Tips for helping kids learn to lose
Losing stinks! It’s not as fun as winning! Is it worth playing if I’m going to lose?
Play is a great way to learn about life. We see this in the animal kingdom where play teaches hunting skills. We see this in educational initiatives to help students stay engaged in the subject matter. Board games can teach math, reading, social skills, and more. One of the most important lessons they can teach isn’t something to improve test scores, however. One of the most important lessons is the lesson of Failure.
Why is failure an important skill?
Much as we’d like to pretend otherwise, failure is a regular spector that follows humanity; as ubiquitous as Death or Taxes. Failure exists as a potential in all that we do—sometimes tiny, sometimes consequential.
Learning to deal with failure is integral to being a well-rounded adult. But like all things, handling failure is a skill.
As parents, we want to equip our children for life. Part of that is how to deal with failure. When someone is equipped to deal with failure, they’ll be resilient through life.
Losing is hard for kids. It’s an early brush with failure. More than that, though, not only do they deal with feeling the sadness of failure, they’re also dealing with the end of a contained play space. If they’re having fun, having that time become less fun AND lose the game is a lot for a developing mind to handle.
Let’s discuss a few strategies for dealing with the emotions that come from losing a game.
1. Modeling good behavior
When I asked a group of board gaming parents how they deal with this struggle, a large amount talked about modeling proper behavior. Our children watch how we respond in life and will build their responses around the behavior they see from us.
So, what can we do better in our responses to teach our children?
- Don’t be a gracious loser; be a celebratory loser. Celebrate the winner of the game instead of centering on your loss.
- In a game with setbacks, laugh through them. It’s ok to lose some ground and shouldn’t ruin the fun in the moment. Feel confident to laugh in the face of adversity.
- Have fun and exaggerate your “fun response.” Kids don’t always notice subtlety, if you want them to realize this is all about fun, make sure they can feel you having fun, as well.
- In games with some strategy, express curiosity about how the winner won: “Oh I didn’t even notice that! Great strategy!”
2. Game choice
Not every game is intended to lessen the hard feelings of loss. Picking the right games is important to helping children gracefully learn the lessons of failure.
Luck vs. Skill
In board games there’s a continuum between luck and skill. Most traditional American games (think Sorry, Monopoly, Trouble, etc.) have high luck factor and relatively low skill thresholds. Many European games are much more skill driven. Many “board game adults” seek games with higher skill factors. They’re more fun for us. The problem for kids in these games is that the obvious reason they lost is that they were not good enough or they were “out played.”
When you’re learning to accept loss, the more luck involved, the easier it is to handle. In fact, that’s why the quintessential early-childhood game—Candyland—is entirely luck based. Learning to take turns, learning your colors, and learning to lose are the main focuses for the game. Luck helps facilitate this.
As a bonus, these luck-based games help parents to more easily deal with the negative emotions of winning … beating your child in a game can feel BAD, but sometimes that’s legitimately just how the dice roll. When you didn’t seek to beat them and it just happened, it helps. This is also a great opportunity to model losing behavior from the parent perspective. Try bringing in more fun when discussing how the luck happened. “Oh, did you put a spell on these dice?! What is even happening? Hahaha”
Length
When you’ve invested two hours into a plan and it crumbles around you at the very end, it can be hard to feel positive. It can be hard to learn and improve when you play once for two hours and then shelve the game for weeks. Most importantly for kids, once a long game is over, family play time is also at an end. This is a recipe for heightened emotions at the end of a game.
When you’re learning to deal with losing, the shorter the game, the better. If a game takes 10 minutes, you can play again, no problem. Each new game is a new chance to win. That dulls the sting of defeat. It also means that if there IS skill involved, you can learn from your defeat—a great life skill.
Quick games also allow for more variet in a single play session. Maybe Uno isn’t feeling too fun right now (win or lose). Now, let’s try something else.
Bonus reason for short games: Short-circuiting sibling arguments over what to play… why not both?!
Cooperative vs. Competitive
Most of the board game market is filled with competitive games. They’re not all that exists, though. The board game Renaissance of the past 30 years has seen an influx of great cooperative games. If you’re struggling with intense emotions surrounding losing, maybe try a game where you win or lose as a family. Sharing loss can help lessen the sadness.
Games designed for coop are obviously the best, but even competitive games can be retooled with a little creativity.
Memory is a classic game where players take turns flipping two tiles trying to find a match. When they find a match, they collect the tiles. The player with the most tiles at the end of the game wins. But… does that NEED to be the win condition? Maybe your family can try to “win” faster together or try to clear the board with the fewest turns together. Group victories are sweeter.
My son and I like to play a motorized basketball game. Players use a springboard to shoot balls through a hoop (that can also move). The game is intended for competitive play: score more points than your opponent. We modified the game to work together to outscore our previous combined totals. Less stressful AND bigger scores: it’s a win-win!
As a quick aside, working with your child to formulate new rules to classic games is a great opportunity to stretch their creativity. Maybe it’s bringing in new pieces or adjusting rules in a way that makes things funny or more fun for them. Then you can play a round “rules as written” and a round with the “kiddo rules.” Letting them know that there are more ways of interacting with the world around them then just what’s written in a rule book is also a great skill for life!
Be explicit in the lesson: We’re here for fun
Lessons are often best for kids when they’re obvious. So, while all the previous tips are important, this tip might be the strongest. Let your kids know the point of playing is not to win, but to enjoy time together and have fun.
This is probably best explained before any heightened emotions to have the best effect (once sadness over a loss has settled in, it’s harder to learn a lesson).
In our house, we’ve experimented with a “Play Promise.” It’s about as explicit as it can get with the lesson. If your kids struggle with losing, maybe implement something similar.
Before we start a game, we all read the Play Promise out loud. It reminds us all to try our best, but to focus on fun. Here’s our promise:
I promise to have fun.
I’ll try my best to win, but if I lose, I promise to celebrate with the winner!
If you like this as an idea, download this printable PDF to have for your table and game night.
Family games should be fun — win or lose
Sitting around a table with loved ones playing something intended for fun can create life-long memories and help anchor a family. If the focus is on winning and not on fun together, it can be a negative experience.
Learning to accept failure and keep trying are skills that will benefit everyone throughout their lives. Playing together is one avenue to this if done right.
Happy Playing!